Nintendo

Making the Grade: E3 2017 Edition

This is the third installation of my “Making the Grade” series, a temperature-check all of Nintendo’s major franchises and where they stand in the overall scheme of existence. The idea was always that I’d go back and update this list whenever there was some sort of major shift or big event… and as E3 2017 has just wrapped up, that certainly qualifies.

A couple of things have moved around the list as a result of Nintendo’s E3 showing… with one big mover you can probably already predict. As I did last time, I’ve highlighted the franchises that have switched tiers, with a (+) for those that have been upgraded, and a (-) for the downgrades. As always, feel free to disagree.

Grade A: Fire EmblemThe Legend of Zelda, Mario Kart, (+) Metroid, Pokemon,  Splatoon, Super MarioSuper Smash Bros.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages… she’s back. Samus Aran, first lady of gaming, returned to the spotlight this E3 in a big way. The logo-reveal for Metroid Prime 4 alone would have bumped Samus and her franchise up to grade “B”, but then, almost as an afterthought, Nintendo revealed a remastered version of Metroid II entitled Metroid: Samus Returns, coming this September for the 3DS. Samus and Metroid have retaken their rightful place amongst Nintendo’s elite franchises. No other movers into or out of the “A” grade, but some notes: if Super Mario and Pokemon could get higher than “A”, I’d put them there, and though there was still no mention of Smash Bros. for Switch, that’s a franchise that’s not going anywhere.

Grade B: Animal CrossingDonkey KongKirbyMario & LuigiPaper Mario, XenobladeYoshi, (+) Pikmin

I can’t recall if Hey, Pikmin! was announced pre or post Switch event, but as I look at the list today and note that in addition to Hey, Pikmin! Shigeru Miyamoto offhandedly mentioned that Pikmin 4 is in the works for Switch, the Pikmin bump to grade “B” seems appropriate. Reliable standbys Kirby and Yoshi both received new game announcements at E3, as did the 3DS Mario & Luigi series, which will get a remake/spin-off hybrid in Superstar Saga & Bowser’s Minions. Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is still (Nintendo claims) going to make a Holiday 2017 debut, and Donkey Kong showed up in spirit in both the bizarrely fascinating Mario + Rabbids game being developed by Ubisoft and in Super Mario Odyssey as the namesake for the urban playground New Donk City.

Grade C: (+) ARMS(+) BoxBoy!(+) Mario spin-offs, Mii games, Pokemon spin-offs.

First off, I’m an idiot. I’ve never included BoxBoy! on this list. Developed by HAL Labs, the little Box-fellow even has his own amiibo. Granted, the BoxBoy! trilogy just ended, but since when did that stop Nintendo from milking a profitable franchise? Moving on: while Super Mario, Mario & Luigi, and Paper Mario are uniquely deep franchises of their own, the multitude of other Mario branded games Nintendo releases are harder to classify. I have, for the time being, combined Mario Party, Mario Sports (including Mario & Sonic at the Olympics), Mario v. Donkey Kong/Mini Mario, and Dr. Mario. For now, the newly minted (and buzzed about) Mario + Rabbids helps bump the Mario spin-offs up a tier. Pokken Tournament DX is ALMOST enough to push Pokemon spin-offs up to grade “B”, but the weight of all of those Mystery Dungeons still drags it down. I’m cheating a little with ARMS; one game does not a franchise make, but this one game is being received well enough to suggest ARMS is on its way to becoming a brand. Finally, I’ve re-branded Tomadachi Life and its ilk as Mii games; Mii’s themselves are in short supply these days, as Nintendo seems determined to move away from the Wii era. Still, Miitopia was recently revealed to be making its way west, so there’s still some life (and a lot of brand recognition) left in Nintendo’s cartoon avatars.

Grade D: Luigi’s MansionKid IcarusWario brand games, (+) Star Fox

Time heals all wounds. There’s been no game announced for Fox McCloud and crew, but to be fair, Star Fox is a franchise with a really solid cast of characters and enough of a fanbase to let it recover from the horribly received Star Fox Zero. Don’t expect Team Arwing to climb any higher than tier “D” without a new game, though. It’s that sort of name recognition that draws the line of demarcation between tiers “D” and “E”; the franchises in “D” haven’t received any more love than those in “E”, necessarily, but they star beloved characters that aren’t soon going to be forgotten.

Grade E: Advance Wars, (-) F-ZeroMother, (-) Punch-Out!!, (-) Pushmo, (-) Puzzle League, (-) Rhythm HeavenRemix series, NintenDogs, Pilotwings

I was bullish on F-Zero making an appearance at E3. I was wrong, and I’ve had to knock it down a tier as a result. Additionally, Puzzle League and Rhythm Heaven are on the fast train to nowhere; another six months to a year without a whisper and they’re both due to bottom out in tier “F”. Though a reliable space filler for awhile, it’s been 2 years, and if there’s never another Pushmo game will anybody even notice? Mother remains in grade “E” on the strength of its cult following alone; as a franchise that seems largely dead it should probably drop out to tier “F”. Most notably, Punch-Out!! receives a huge body blow in the growing popularity of ARMS, which could end up as a franchise replacement for the Punch-Out!! brand. If we see a new Punch-Out!! soon, expect it to be on 3DS, and as something other than the behind-the-boxer POV game we’re used to. That’s another hunch.

Grade F: Brain AgeCodename S.T.E.A.M.Chibi-RoboCustom RoboDillon’s Rolling WesternExciteGolden SunThe Legendary StarfySin & PunishmentStarTropicsWave Race.

You could argue that I shouldn’t even bother publishing grade “F”. These franchises are the definition of dead in the water. Pun intended, Wave Race.

 

 

(Featured Image Source: http://shubwubtub.deviantart.com/art/Minimalist-Metroid-Screwattack-Wallpaper-542023002)

You Down With DLC?

“I wish Nintendo would just MODERNIZE already!” This has been a common lament amongst gamers since perhaps the GameCube or even N64 era, and usually when uttered, it is meant to suggest that Nintendo should build more powerful consoles, or court more “Triple A” third-party software makers, or play to a more “mature” audience of gamer, or build a more robust online experience, etc., etc.

Well, in recent years, Nintendo has certainly begun to modernize… although not, perhaps, in the ways their detractors have been asking for. There are two trends that define the “modernization” of gaming in the 21st century, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody, in this case “modernization” is equatable to “monetization.” After all, for-profit companies most often evolve when there is obvious money to be made.

The two trends are closely related; both involve paying more money to add extra content to a game you already own. Micro-transactions define the mobile gaming market, and as Nintendo learned recently, micro-transactions are the sort of model that market demands. Super Mario Run, priced at a single-pay premium price tag of $9.99, has not made anywhere near the same amount of profit for the company as Fire Emblem Warriors, a free-to-play game that features micro-transactions, and this is in spite of Super Mario Run being the more popular download, ten times over.

The other trend, more associated with the console and PC gaming markets, is downloadable content, or DLC. DLC refers to additional content that is made available for popular (or unpopular) full-priced games… although unlike micro-transactions, which often charge small amounts for items necessary for gameplay, DLC is sold as “extra” material: it costs more than the standard micro-transaction, but is a luxury item that isn’t “required” to enjoy what was intended to be the full game.

That’s the theory, anyway.

Game companies are often criticized for including amongst DLC the sort of content that, ten or fifteen years ago, would have been released as part of the game proper. A good recent example is Star Wars: Battlefront, an online multi-player Star Wars-themed arena shooter that, while widely well-reviewed, hid half of its content behind DLC paywalls that cost almost as much as the primary game did on its own. Gamers are a prickly sort, but one can hardly fault them for being annoyed when they drop $60 on a game only to find that what they’ve purchased is arguably half a product.

Still, when done right (i.e. as bonus content to expand and extend an all-in-the-box experience) DLC can be remarkably satisfying. The Wii U/3DS generation marked the first time Nintendo really dove head-first into the world of DLC, and results have ranged from incredibly well-executed to… not as well-executed. Let’s take a look:

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild – We’ll start here, because where else is there to start? BotW‘s $20 season pass is coming in three individual portions: a Purchase Bonus, and Packs 1 and 2. The Purchase Bonus, already released, causes three treasure chests to appear on the Great Plateau, one of which includes a red Nintendo Switch t-shirt for Link to wear. Pack 1, recently detailed, includes more than had initially been anticipated: two full sets of armor, two helmets, a mask to help locate the game’s 900 Korok Seeds, a map tracking add-on that allows the player to chart where they have been in Hyrule over 100 hours of gameplay, a new “Cave of Trials” style challenge, a new Hard Mode, and a Travel Medallion with which warp points can be laid down anywhere in Hyrule. Pack 2, details forthcoming, is the big one: it will include an entirely new dungeon, new story content, and “more”. But…

Is it worth it? Definitely. Seeing as how Breath of the Wild contains an easy 200 hours of gameplay out of the box, and for $20 you’ll get a new dungeon, more story, more challenge modes, and armor based on Tingle (TINGLE!)… this DLC is something most anyone who’s played Breath of the Wild will happily pay for.

Mario Kart 8Mario Kart 8 launched on Wii U with 30 playable characters, 8 full race circuits of 4 tracks apiece, online play, a (poorly received) battle mode, and a plethora of kart parts. Already, that’s as full an experience as the Mario Kart franchise has ever offered. The DLC for the game, available in two packs at $8 apiece (both packs can be purchased in a single season pass for $12) adds a total of 4 new cups (including tracks based on Animal Crossing, The Legend of Zelda, Excitebike, and F-Zero), 6 new racers, 8 new karts, and different color skins for Yoshi and Shy Guy. Again, though…

Is it worth it? Well, it was. At first glance, $16 – $12 for add-on content seems a little pricey, but the amount of content added on more than justified the price tag for most players. However, the release of the Nintendo Switch has seen a new version of the game, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, hit shelves, and this Deluxe game includes all of the previous DLC rolled into the point-of-sale purchase price. If you laid money down for the MK8 Wii U DLC fairly recently, you may feel a little taken at this point. Still, judged on its own merits, MK8 provides a perfect how-to guide for any software company looking to add DLC content to their own games.

Super Smash Bros. for Wii U & 3DS Smash Bros. launched with fifty-one characters in-the-box, a crap-ton of stages (official measurement), multiple modes, full-roster amiibo support, two online modes, and a partridge in a pear tree. The DLC that followed was certainly adding on to a full and robust experience… but the pricing was a bit more suspect than that for, say, MK8. First of all, the Smash Bros. DLC releases are haphazardly structured, with no consistent pricing models, separate prices for Wii U, 3DS, and Wii U + 3DS packs, and a bunch of content that nobody really wanted, i.e. Mii Fighter Costumes. Overall, seven new fighters were released as Smash 4 DLC, three of which were repackaged from old entries in the series and 4 of which were completely new entrants into the Smash franchise. Of the seven, Cloud Strife, Bayonetta, and Ryu were clearly the must-buys, and each came packaged with a brand new stage. Five standalone stages were also made available, but of the five only one, based on Super Mario Maker, was original and the rest were retro (and one of those retro stages wasn’t available for the 3DS version of the game.) All of these characters and stages and costumes were released at random times, and the pricing was all over the place. For the sake of analysis, let’s look at the last two bundles released: the all-character bundle, priced at $35, and the all-stages bundle, priced at $11 on Wii U and $8.50 on 3DS (the 3DS bundle, remember, contains one fewer stage.)

Is it worth it? For the full set? Probably not. Cloud, Bayonetta, and Ryu, which admittedly are three badass additions to the franchise, are available individually for one console for a total of $18 and for both consoles at a total of $21, but I’m not sure the rest of the content is worth an extra $25 or so. Smash Bros. 4 is overloaded with stuff to begin with; paying almost the price of another whole game on Wii U and more than the price of a whole game on 3DS is pretty steep for a handful of new -ish characters and a couple of new stages.

Hyrule Warriors – This Legend of Zelda/Dynasty Warriors mash-up game was far more successful than it had any business being, honestly, but as I’ve often cited: it was my second favorite Wii U game, after Splatoon. The in-box release already has a ton of content, and the DLC packs add a bunch more… but similar to Smash Bros., the pricing and packaging can get confusing, particularly once you factor in what is and what isn’t available from Hyrule Warriors Legends, the 3DS port/spin-off version of the game. Of the initial three packs, each priced at $7.99, the Master Quest Pack might be the best value, as it includes five additional expansion chapters to the main story and unlocks Epona as a weapon for Link. The other two packs include combinations of new characters (Tingle, Young Link, and Midna) and new Adventure Maps, the grid-by-grid task-based mode of the game that you either love to grind or give up on early. There’s also a $2.99 Boss Challenge mode that provides costumes and a boss rush challenge, and (best of all) a “Play as Ganon” mode. Not Ganondorf. Ganon. Huge pig-monster Ganon. Later packs released allow players to purchase the added Hyrule Warriors Legends characters (Toon Link, Linkle, etc.) but not any of the added map content from that 3DS game… which has its OWN DLC, packaged and structured very similarly to the packages from the Wii U version.

Is it worth it? It depends. Character and costume skins for a button masher like Hyrule Warriors only go so far; the game is a blast, but to be fair, there isn’t a huge amount of difference in how each character plays. Personally, I bought all three of the initial packs but never did pull the trigger on the $12.99 package with all the Legends characters. What the packs really offered, content-wise, were the new Adventure Maps. If you dig Adventure Mode, then the packs are definitely worth the price. If you didn’t (I didn’t), selectivity is called for.

Fire Emblem Fates: Birthright/Conquest Fire Emblem, more than any other franchise, seems to be Nintendo’s go-to for DLC. For the Fates trilogy, the companion games of Birthright and Conquest each offer access to Revelations, the 3rd game of the saga, at a price of $19.99. Additionally, two separate map packs can be purchased in either of the two introductory games. Map Pack 1 contains eleven new maps and costs $18; Map Pack 2 contains six new maps and costs $8.

Is it worth it? You should ask a Fire Emblem fan; try as I might, I just can’t get into the franchise. Let’s go pack by pack, though: Revelations is a full Fire Emblem game for half the price, so yeah, that’s worth it. Map Pack 1 offers eleven maps for $18, and Pack 2 offers six for $8. I’m not sure why the maps in Pack 1 are valued so much more highly than those in Pack 2, but Pack 2 is clearly an easier purchase to justify than Pack 1. But, look, if you love Fire Emblem, you’re probably laying out $40 for Birthright or Conquest, $20 apiece for the opening act you DIDN’T buy AND Revelations… geez, just how much Fire Emblem do you need? Whatever; you’ve already paid $80. May as well pay $26 more.

This isn’t all the DLC Nintendo has offered to date, but it is a fairly representative example. Their dabbling in modernization has been a mixed bag: Mario Kart 8 and Breath of the Wild are the two that in price and content are must-purchases, while the rest of the offerings have their hits and their misses. Up next? Fire Emblem: Shadows of Valentia for 3DS, which offers a full season pass of DLC that costs more than the actual game itself. That’s right: more than the game itself. Finally, a sign that Nintendo, for better or worse, is starting to catch up to the rest of the industry.

Be careful what you wish for.

High NEScores

Nostalgia is big business in music. It’s why the Rolling Stones can still sell out stadiums, why “Beatles Cover Band” is a profitable occupation, and it’s why Cheap Trick is still on tour.

Remember Cheap Trick?

Music sticks with us as we grow older, and a song from our youth is one of the few forces in the universe that can, ever so briefly, turn back the hands of time and make us feel young again.

Now: I didn’t really like pop music as a kid. It wasn’t a hipster thing; I just didn’t have much taste. On the other hand, I’ve seen The Symphony of the Goddesses at Madison Square Garden and scored a production I directed of William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream with remixes of old Final Fantasy tunes hand-picked off of OC Remix. Why did I do those things?

Because old-skool 8-bit NES soundtracks were fresh as hell. Here’s the ten best.

10. Blaster Master (Composer: Naoki Kodaka) – If you played Blaster Master as a kid, and you drive, you’ve either hummed the opening warm-up riff that accompanied Sophia 3rd’s initial blast-off into Level 1 while turning your car’s ignition key, or you’re lying. Sunsoft games back in the day were known for having tricked out soundtracks, and Blaster Master had the best of them. The first half of the game had stronger music than the second half, it’s true… but since the game was freaking impossible (SHUT UP IT WAS) that’s all anyone ever heard, so it worked out.

9. Super Mario Bros. (Composer: Koji Kondo– Millions of thirty and forty-somethings around the world can hum every single piece of music from Super Mario Bros., and not just because Nintendo has re-released the game on pretty much every console they’ve made since. Crafted by legendary in-house composer Koji Kondo, the score to Super Mario Bros. might well be the perfect video game score: catchy and loopable without being annoying (except maybe the castle levels), and better in MIDI form than when played by a full orchestra (although a jazz trio can do wonders with it.) Why so low on this list, then? Maybe it’s repetition; I’ve heard it so often over the years it just doesn’t seem special anymore. Probably, though, because it’s so utilitarian: it’s more practical than it is beautiful. Still, why every 2D Mario game doesn’t use the original 1-1 music for its opening level is beyond me.

8. Punch-Out!! (Composers: Yukio Kaneoka, Akito NakatsukaKenji Yamamoto) – Recently on Nintendo Voice Chat, IGN’s excellent Nintendo podcast, in a discussion about (what else) Breath of the Wild, the show’s hosts mentioned a moment in the game’s wonderful score they particularly enjoyed: when the player defeats a Stone Talus, the mini-boss’ battle theme quickly shifts into a victory motif that incorporates the explosion of the enemy into the score itself. The crew on NVC rightly pointed out that this is no mean feat to accomplish. What they didn’t mention is that it’s a trick that appeared prominently in a Nintendo-published title thirty years earlier: Punch-Out!! Punch-Out!!‘s score is simple: a title theme, a fight theme, a jogging theme, and other bits of incidental music. They’re all great ditties in their own right, but when the game’s hero, Little Mac, gets knocked down by one of his towering opponents, the game’s soundtrack shifts seamlessly into a distress-inducing knockout theme, and by the way, it does the same with a much more hopeful piece of music when Mac knocks down one of said opponents. Punch-Out!!: beating Breath of the Wild to the punch by three decades.

7. Mother (Composers: Keiichi Suzuki, Hirokazu Tanaka) – Here are the genres of music you can find represented on the 8-bit soundtrack of the RPG classic Mother: Rockabilly, Jazz, Gothic, Gothic Funk, New Age, Metal, Industrial, Orchestral, Electronica, Bubblegum, Pop, Alt-Rock, Avant-garde, Japanese traditional, Blues, Medieval, Easy-listening contemporary, Ethereal, Ambient, Novelty, R&B, and Baroque. Here, just listen to all of them.

6. Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link (Composer: Akito Nakatsuka)The Legend of Zelda introduced the Zelda series main theme, composed by Koji Kondo, and it is one of the most iconic and enduring pieces of video game music ever written. That first game also included one or two other tunes that were mostly forgettable; its dungeon theme, though iconic in its own right, is one of the most grating pieces of video game music ever created. But Zelda 2, the much-reviled red headed stepchild of the Legend of Zelda franchise, has a score that begins with a warbling, ethereal title tune and transitions into an overworld track inspired by the franchise’s main theme. Along the course of your adventure you’ll be introduced to the excellent pieces of original music that accompany overworld combat, spelunking, town visits, and the game’s final dungeon. Best of all, in the game’s first six palaces, the player is treated to the track that eventually became everyone’s favorite Smash Bros song. Zelda 2 may not have been a better game than The Legend of Zelda… okay, it definitely wasn’t… but in terms of music, the sequel has it all over its older brother.

5. Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest (Composers: Kenichi Matsubara, Satoe Terashima, Kouji Murata) – We could arguably put the whole Castlevania series on this list, but as great as “Vampire Killer” from Castlevania and “Beginning” from Castlevania 3 are, the all-around strongest score in the franchise’s early days is from the most all-around inscrutable game of the entire series, the you-can’t-beat-this-without-a-guide-but-go-ahead-and-keep-trying Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest. One of the first major adventure games to introduce a day-to-night enemy cycle, Simon’s Quest had two distinct overworld themes based on time of day and enemy toughness: “Bloody Tears” and “Monster Dance”. The best track in the game, for my money, is “Dwelling of Doom“, the tune that plays in each of the game’s dungeons. So while you may not… okay, will not… be able to beat Simon’s Quest without a walkthrough, at least it’ll sound terrific underneath your screams of frustrated rage.

4. Mega Man 2 (Composer: Takashi Tateishi) – There’s 50 games under the Mega Man brand, so it’s kind of a shame that the best game in the entire franchise was the second one. What IS nice is that the series’ best game has one of the NES’ best scores. Mega Man 2 opens with a musical preamble and scroll up a building to a helmet-less Mega Man, followed by a transition into the game’s driving title theme, a bit of cinematic flair that is dirt simple by today’s video game industry standards but that in 1989 blew my twelve year-old mind. The eight robot master stages and the boss fight theme are all also standouts of MIDI, but the real bookend to the excellent opening track is “Dr. Wily’s Castle“, the first of two tracks that are used as the background music for, well, Dr. Wily’s castle. If you’re interested, at least twenty hard guitar covers of that one are on iTunes right this second. Enjoy!

3. Final Fantasy (Composer: Nobuo Uematsu) – If there’s a video game composer whose legend rivals that of Koji Kondo, it is doubtlessly Nobuo Uematsu, the man behind three decades of music for the granddaddy of all RPG series: Final Fantasy. Final Fantasy was the 8-bit swords and sorcery game of J.R.R. Tolkien’s or George R.R. Martin’s dreams, and the score includes multiple compositions and themes that would become evergreen editions to the Final Fantasy franchise. Fantastic mood-setting fantasy music accompanies overworld travel, combat, dungeon crawling, and town visits, but the game’s soundtrack truly makes its mark in the piece that would become synonymous with Final Fantasy itself. (Not the “Chocobo Theme”; those giant chickens didn’t show up until Final Fantasy II.) The greatest high fantasy game to grace the NES does not open with a fanfare and crash of thunder, but with the crystalline and meditative “Prelude“, an almost reverential piece of music that belies the grandeur and scope of the adventure it precedes.

2. Double Dragon (Composer: Kazunaka Yamane) – This might be cheating. Double Dragon was an arcade hit that was then ported over to seemingly every home video game console of the day, and then continued being ported to the video game consoles of every other day. Point being, the score to Double Dragon is arguably not a NES score. Like the game itself, the music for the arcade was re-orchestrated (so far as MIDI files can be re-orchestrated) to fit the technical specifications of the NES. But… Double Dragon‘s soundtrack is one knockout blow after another (heh heh), the perfect beat-’em-up, chopsocky, 1980’s B-grade Kung Fu movie soundtrack. Faux-“Oriental” motifs mix with wailing synthetic guitar riffs in what might be the single must crunchable video game soundtrack you can shred on with your hair metal tribute band. I don’t know if I’ve used any of those terms properly, but check this out if you want an example of just how righteous the Double Dragon soundtrack can be.

1. Metroid (Composer: Hirokazu Tanaka) – If it were somehow possible to convert claustrophobia, depression, and loneliness into musical notes, the resulting composition would probably sound a lot like the Metroid soundtrack. While until this point in popular culture sci-fi adventure came packaged alongside pulsing electronica, Star Wars-style orchestral accompaniment, or the ominous humming of the 1950’s take on the genre, Metroid (partially due to technical limitations) took a different approach: using music to constantly remind players that they were lost deep within the caverns of an alien world and likely would not get out alive. The game greeted players with a discordant, droning title theme interspersed with high-pitched alien-sounding chimes, and opened up with the one up-tempo action cue it would offer. That track, “Brinstar”, was a fake-out, for the further the player guided heroine Samus Aran into the depths of Zebes, the grimmer and more hopeless the soundtrack became. Even the tune that greeted Samus in the chambers that hid weapons upgrade seemed to be singing, “You. Will. Soon. Die… This. Will. Not. Help. Much.” You know what? Here’s the entire Metroid soundtrack. You can have a listen, but be sure to have your therapist on speed dial.

0. Silver Surfer (Composer: Tim Follin, Geoff Follin) – I’mma credit my man Johnny Womack of the pop culture/video game/pro rasslin’ podcast Happy Hour with Johnny & the Duce for reminding me of this gem. The thing about Silver Surfer is that it’s not a particularly bad game. It’s just not a particular good one, either. It’s completely forgettable, not to mention balls-out impossible. But. BUT. Listen to this soundtrack. It’s well known among the small circles who know such things that the soundtrack to Silver Surfer for the NES is apeshit banana-pants. Although it is admittedly on the short side, music this good shouldn’t be doomed to live alongside a game this mediocre. I mean, could the NES even MAKE sounds like this? Was that a thing it could do? Maybe Silver Surfer was so “meh” because they used all of the game’s memory to record the unbelievable epicness that is its soundtrack for all of history to enjoy.

Or maybe Silver Surfer is a terrible character who doesn’t deserve a game better than this. Still, seriously: listen to this soundtrack, and prepare to have your face melted.

(Cover image original link.)

The Breath of Music

Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music:

Raindrops all over and whiskers on Moblins
Warm pots of mushrooms; headshotting Bokoblins
Listening to a big parakeet sing
These are a few of my favorite things

Getting Epona by scanning amiibo
Starting huge fires like some kind of pyro
Fighting off Guardians with ancient bling
These are a few of my favorite things

When I see a
Disguised Yiga
Hiding in plain sight
I pull out shock arrows; fry them to the marrow
And that makes me feel just right

Shooting a scale off a strange neon dragon
Swooning and fawning for dreamy Prince Sidon
Dying my tunics with Hylian greens
These are a few of my favorite things

Finding a mem'ry and watching the flashback
Buying from Beedle, that big weirdo pack-rat
Saving the daughters of dead ghostly kings
These are a few of my favorite things

When I stop time
Use magnesis
Or make blocks of ice
I realize my Sheikah slate was once Wii U
But now it's the Swiiiiitch... the portable Swiiiiitch... yes it's on Swiiiiiitch...

Sooooo nice!

(Featured image source: http://tigrestoku.deviantart.com/art/Kass-649288348)

The Bard of Kyoto

SCENE V.i - A Graveyard

HAMLET & MIYAMOTO enter. HAMLET pulls the skull of WII U from
out of a freshly dug grave. HE lifts it to eye level and inspects it.

HAMLET
Alas, poor Wii U! I knew it, Miyamoto: a console
of infinite jest, of most excellent remakes: it hath
granted me escape a thousand times; and now, how
tortured in my new-enlightened mind it is! my lunch churns at
it. Here hung the GamePad I have used I know
not how oft. 

Directly to the skull of WII U...

HAMLET
Where be Splatoon now? Captain Toad? 
Star Fox? your smashes of Mario,
at the hands of a vengeful green uppercut? 
Not one now, to mock your great failing: no voice chat?
Now get you to my mother's chamber, and tell her, for she
still does not know, a Wii add-on you are not; 
make her believe that. 

To MIYAMOTO.

HAMLET
Prithee, Miyamoto, tell me one thing.

MIYAMOTO
What's that, my lord?

HAMLET
Dost thou think PlayStation 2 looked so decrepit i' the ground?

MIYAMOTO
E'en so.

HAMLET
And smelt so? pah!

MIYAMOTO
E'en so, my lord.

HAMLET
To what base uses games may return, Miyamoto! Why may
not history trace the noble dust of PlayStation 2,
till it be found clogging a commode?

MIYAMOTO
'Twere thinking it too seriously, to think about it.

HAMLET
No, faith, not a bit; just reflect for a moment,
and one moment more, and let it lead you, as thus:
PlayStation 2 died, PlayStation 2 was buried,
PlayStation 2 returneth into dust; the dust is as one,
a whole unto itself; as like to have been PlayStation 2
in life past as it were the Wii U.
Atari's E.T., dead and turn'd to trash,
is no lesser than dust or dust or dust,
one small speck worth no more than its other:
O, that this dust, which kept the world in awe,
Should serve the same fate as the Wii U's flaw!

Looks offstage; reacts.

HAMLET
But soft! but soft! aside: here comes the Switch.

HAMLET tosses aside WII U's skull. SWITCH enters, crosses L to R, exits. HAMLET & MIYAMOTO follow.

END SCENE

Gotta Have “It”

The Nintendo Switch is cool.

Wait. I suppose I should provide an update to my last post: yes, my Switch arrived earlier this week. Crisis averted. I have emerged from the depths of the Amazon. Onwards and upwards.

So: the Switch.

The Switch is cool. I don’t choose words randomly, and in the case of the Switch, “cool” is a very carefully cultivated selection. The Switch has a “je ne sais quoi” that only the best tech products have, the thing that makes you want to reach out and touch it, to hold it in your hand and fiddle with it. Those are the products that have “It”, capital “I”. What is It? I don’t know for sure, but people know It when they see It.

The Walkman had It, the Camcorder had It, and the holy trinity of “i” products (Pod, Pad, and Phone) all had It. Nintendo, like Apple, has a history of products that have It: the NES and the Game Boy started that phase of the company’s existence. And now, they have the Switch.

“It” is cool, “It” is in demand, “It” is addictive, “It” gets you thinking about it when you’re not playing around with it. The Switch’s It-factor is evident from the first time you pick one up and play with it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to hold a Switch in your hands I highly recommend you do so at the earliest possible convenience. The super-flat tablet in handheld mode melts into your grip, you’ll want to slide the JoyCons off and on the main console over and over again just to hear them snap back in place, the HD display is gorgeous and crystal clear, and resting the unit in the dock and watching the game you were just playing on the bus magically appear on your TV is more satisfying than it ought to be. Heck, just fiddling with buttons and cycling through menus to variations of the now-infamous Switch “click” is addictive and pleasurable in ways only offered by products that have It.

When looking at the Nintendo Switch as a gizmo, I can’t help but think of the Wii. When the Wii debuted with its funky remote control controller, upright white design, and arm-swinging sports pack-in title, it was the sort of “what’s THAT?” level of weird that grabbed people’s curiosity and wouldn’t let go until they got the device in their hands. The Wii was a dorky little underpowered box of cartoon avatars going head-to-head with two console gaming powerhouses, PlayStation 3 and XBox 360… and Wii outsold both of those platforms by 15 million units almost entirely on the strength of “It”. XBox 360 in particular offered an objectively better console gaming experience than was offered by the Wii, and the 85 million XB360 units sold is certainly nothing to be ashamed of… but it’s not the Wii’s 101 million units sold. XBox 360 was a black box with a standard controller. Certainly nothing wrong with that, but as just a regular old fiddle-dee-dee gadget it just didn’t have It like the Wii did.

And now, here’s the Switch. It was evident just from the time I spent playing with the Switch during Nintendo’s worldwide rollout tour last month that the hybrid console was going to follow in the Wii’s footsteps as a thing people are going to be itching to pick up and toy around with. It was also clear that once people had their first taste of It they weren’t going to be able to shake It. As was the Wii before it, the Switch is a “must try” console, and most everyone who’s aware the Switch exists is at the very least curious to try It. In hindsight, “let’s tour the world and let people experience It” was one of the best marketing decisions Nintendo has made in over a decade, and is certainly a better marketing decision than, “let’s give this new console the same name as the old console and confuse everyone completely,” *koff koff looking at you Wii U koff koff*.

Look: “It” doesn’t mean everything. It gets old, sooner rather than later, and that’s when the It product proves whether or not it has staying power. That’s right, having It doesn’t guarantee success; just ask Google Glass about that. Even the Wii fell off at the end of its life cycle. Too many millions of those of early adopters had trouble sorting through the console’s desert of shovelware, and the Wii’s promise of revolutionary motion controls only really panned out in the titles that bookended its existence: Wii Sports and The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

So the Switch is going to have to produce what it has promised beyond giddy charm and fascination, and ultimately prove its own worth as a gaming machine. It’s off to a good start; Breath of the Wild justifies the Switch’s $300 price tag all on its own, and even in the limited 9 game launch line-up there are a number of high quality experiences. (See also: Fast RMX, Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove, and SnipperClips.) Also on deck: Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Splatoon 2, Super Mario Odyssey, Skyrim, etc., etc. So an investment in the Switch looks, for the moment, to be an investment not just in form, but in substance… which would give it a leg up on the Wii, a console where the substance never lived up to the promise of the form.

Because “It” is fleeting, and cool dies young… but great games are forever. We know the Switch has the former, in spades. Now we need to know that it will also have the latter.

Boss Rush

I’ve got five days left to put together Zelda lists before Breath of the Wild launches and wrecks everything. So here’s the one I’ve been wanting to do for awhile about the Top 10 Boss Battles in 3D Zelda games. Don’t waste any more time reading this introduction, get to the list! We’re running out of time! Go go go go!

10-imprisoned10.) The Imprisoned; 2nd Battle (Skyward Sword) – The Imprisoned is a several-stories tall scaly black monster that you have to fight over and over again in Skyward Sword, a game whose biggest weakness is making you do things and go places over and over again. The Imprisoned fight, though, is one you won’t mind doing three times over… well, maybe… and of the three battles, the second is the hardest, and the best, because this is the one where he sprouts arms as he attempts to climb the spiraling hill out of the Sealed Grounds and into the Sealed Temple (spoiler alert: it’s the Temple of Time), and the one where Link’s Ace Ventura haired ginger frenemy Groose helps out by firing giant bombs at the Imprisoned from his Groosenator. I’m not explaining that; we have to move on. Breath of the Wild is almost here! Move!

09-scervo9.) Scervo (Skyward Sword) – Yeah, I know he’s a mini-boss, but I freaking love this fight… and you only have to fight him twice, which in Skyward Sword time is like not having to fight him at all! There’s no better use of Skyward Sword‘s motion controls than fighting a robot pirate on a plank and trying to knock him back and over the edge into the time-traveling desert’s sands-slash-ocean. That’s not a joke. It’s a dope fight. Next!

08-fyrus8.) Fyrus (Twilight Princess) – This should be further down the list, but it shouldn’t be, because the ones further down the list are all awesome, too. I love the Fyrus fight because it dares to remove 3D Zelda‘s signature move: Z-targeting. You have to shoot an arrow into in a big red eye in the middle of this giant on-fire Twilight-possessed Goron chieftain, and you can’t lock onto the target because his head is too big or some such nonsense… but having to stand your ground and motion-control aim your arrow as the thundering monster bears down on you is a great, great, in-the-moment… uh, moment. I’m not going back to find a better way to say that. No time.

07-twinrova7.) Twinrova (Ocarina of Time) – These two twin witches, one who shoots fire elemental magic at Link and another who shoots ice elemental magic at him, are the first boss fight in 3D Zelda history that asks you to pull off one of my favorite moves: using a mirrored shield to bounce energy back into an opponent like it was a goddamned proton beam from Ghostbusters. Then they merge into one ice-fire sorceress (let’s call her a “fice” sorceress) because why wouldn’t they? Who you gonna call? Number six, that’s who.

06-koloktos6.) Koloktos (Skyward Sword) – There’s two parts of the fight against Koloktos the clockwork man that I love. The first is using your motion controlled Indiana Jones/TRON whip to pull him apart piece by piece. The second is picking up Koloktos’ own six-foot long golden scimitar to hack him the hell apart by smashing him in a big red orb that’s in the center of his chest, because of course there’s a big red orb in the center of his chest. The big glowing red spot of weakness has become such a trope that Koloktos himself is in on the gimmick, keeping several of his multiple arms folded over his chest for the entire fight until you break him apart like a G.I. Joe with a snapped rubber band I’m taking too much time I CAN FEEL THE BREATH OF THE WILD BREATHING DOWN MY NECK NEXT ENTRY!

05-goht5.) Goht (Majora’s Mask) – Goht is a giant mechanical mask-wearing bull, but stop. It’s a goat. Give me a break. There’s two high-speed Zelda fights: this one, where you roll up in a Goron ball and race after Goht, leaping off of ramps to knock into him, and then the one in Twilight Princess, but that’s on rails, so this high-speed, high-flying fight gets the nod over that one. Also, it’s hella fun. Now let’s “roll” into the next entry ha ha this isn’t a joke. IT COMES OUT ON FRIDAY PEOPLE.

04-puppet-ganon4.) Puppet Ganon/Ganondorf (Wind Waker) – Yeah, there’s various forms of Ganon in three out of the next four spots. So? The last fight of the game SHOULD be the best fight of the game. One of those three actually isn’t even a last fight so I’m not sure why I said that, but this one is. First, you fight a giant marionette that takes the shape of the dark demon Ganon, then a Gohma, and then a giant Moldorm, words that mean something to you if you play Zelda games. Link and Princess Zelda (formerly Tetra the pirate) then fight Ganondorf… who’s now a samurai? Anyway… you fight samurai Ganondorf on the top of a tower while the ocean above you breaks through the invisible shield surrounding sunken Hyrule and threatens to… you know what? Forget it. Never try to put into words what happens in video games. It doesn’t translate well; you will sound ridiculous.

03-phanton-ganon3.) Phantom Ganon (Ocarina of Time) – What’s great about the Phantom Ganon fight in the first dungeon after Link travels through time and ages seven years… *sigh*… anyway, what’s great about it is that, it’s a fight that couldn’t have taken place in at all in 2D Zelda, as it requires you to turn in complete circles, watching a room full of paintings to see which one Phantom Ganon is going to jump out of on ghostly horseback. You then shoot him with arrows, and it’s a lot of fun. BUT IT’S NOT BREATH OF THE WILD FUN. AGGGGGHHHHHHH SO SOON!

02-gohma2.) Gohma (Wind Waker) – This is the one where you battle a giant lava-dwelling one-eyed centipede by throwing a grappling line onto the end of the tail of the dragon that’s sitting atop the volcano and down into the centipede’s chamber, and when you pull the dragon’s tail he freaks out and knocks a part of the ceiling down onto the centipede’s head until its armor breaks and you can stab it in the eye. You can’t make this stuff up, unless you work for Nintendo because they totally make this stuff up all the time. Also, this fight is gorgeous because it’s in Wind Waker so of COURSE it’s gorgeous C’MON WE’RE WASTING DAYLIGHT PEOPLE.

01-ganondorf1.) Ganondorf (Twilight Princess) – It’s, like, a four tier fight. First, you battle a possessed flying Princess Zelda. Then, as a wolf, you fight invisible Ganon in giant pig-beast form. Then, Link and Princess Zelda chase Ganondorf across Hyrule Field on horseback, shooting light arrows into him and hacking at him with the Master Sword. Finally, you have to best Ganondorf in one-on-one sword combat. In all seriousness, it is a spectacular endgame and hands-down the finest boss battle in the entirety of the 3D Zelda franchise…

… for now. This is the Calamity Ganon from Breath of the Wild. 00-calamity-ganonLOOK AT THAT THING. IT’S HUGE! THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE SAID! FIVE DAYS LEFT! I CANNOT WAAAAAAAIIIIIITTTTTT!

Featured image shared from Zelda.Dungeon.net.